


the flowers

by elliptical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Gen, Post-Sburb, Sadstuck, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 05:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliptical/pseuds/elliptical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the game ends, Davesprite asks Dirk for a favor only he can give.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the flowers

**Author's Note:**

> _the flowers you gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them away_  
>  _some of the bulbs never opened quite fully_  
>  _they might so i'm waiting and staying awake_  
>  _things i have loved i'm allowed to keep_  
>  _i'll never know if i go to sleep_  
>  -the flowers, regina spektor

_she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not she loves me not_

he sits on the top of a mountain, watching the scenery unfold. twilight over the peaks, trees and red-gold hues, a tiny town tucked into the side. a church steeple, and if he dared to fly closer there'd be beetlelike cars snaking their way through their lives. here there are birds, there are flies and soft breezes.

he plucks his feathers slowly, methodically, as though to scratch an unfathomable itch. golden plumage and down, scattered remnants of past existences, and there are too many and he can't rip them all away.

he yanks out a chunk at once and doesn't even flinch at the pain, scrabbling at his skin until orange blood runs in streaks and he can't even bleed normally anymore, everything twisting together to mark him irrevocably foreign. other. unreal.

he thinks about screaming, but screaming only brings headaches and never relief. so he lays back on the mountain and wraps himself in his wings and lets the wind fly by, and he thinks about john, and he thinks about how he'd rip his own heart out if only for the chance to run once more on real legs.

***

it's clear that he can't exist like this. 

he stays on the mountain for forty-seven days. during the stretches of time he manages to rip out most of his feathers, try to hack his tail in two, and have a hysterical breakdown when the rock just passes through.

he also hatches a plan. ha. hatches. it's funny because he's part bird and no better than a bedraggled chick who can't even fight its way out of an egg

wait.

so his sense of humor isn't what it used to be.

he floats off the mountain and heads toward new york.

***

that's where they're staying, at least for now, all eight gods curled together under one roof. rose and roxy's house, after all, has the most room.

he needs to be sneaky. in and out, getting what he needs, simple as that.

when night falls he heads inside, wings tucked against his back, peeking cautiously around corners before entering rooms. john and roxy are curled up together fast asleep on the couch, some generic movie playing over their soft breathing. he finds jade sleeping in a spare bedroom and wants to go to her, brush her hair back from her face one last time, feel her soft breath, it couldn't be a sin, not just this one time

but then a lump of blankets beside her shifts, curls around her, snuggles close. he sees his alpha self and his heart shatters one last time.

_its good its good its good shes happy its good its what i wanted its good_

he slips away from the doorframe and goes back to his mission, because he's not meant for that kind of comfort.

***

he finds dirk awake and miraculously alone. his ectofather-removed-sibling-alt-universe-whatever is sitting in a rocking chair, bathed in yellow lamplight, staring out the window.

he plans to be cool. to drift in, make some awkward small talk, and then his request. but he's hit by a memory so powerful that he's paralyzed.

_and bros fingers twitched toward him and he dragged himself to his side with his talons and it hurt so much and he couldnt breathe and his wing gone searing raw nerves exposed bone flesh muscle wanting to scream and laying down and clasping bros hand_

_he said it was all right_

_and he was gone_

dirk turns to him and quirks an eyebrow in surprise. he opens his mouth and a sound that's anything but human comes out. covers his lips with a hand, don't wake anyone, don't let anyone know you're hurt.

dirk gets to his feet, but he doesn't know what to do. his hands twitch by his sides. comfort is out of his jurisdiction.

he takes the pressure off dirk by hurling himself into the other's arms, talons clawing at his back, making these awful guttural noises. he's crying and he doesn't even care, wrapping his tail around dirk's waist and latching on, choking on his own tears and snot. he's thirteen years old and frozen in time and he's scared and hurt and he wants his brother to make everything okay.

dirk reels back and then slowly, hesitantly, brings his arms up around his waist.

'Hey, easy, easy, you're making me bleed.'

with some difficulty, he manages to stop shredding dirk's flesh.

'sorry.'

'It's cool.' dirk begins to rub the bases of the wings, gentle and soothing. 'Davesprite, what...?'

'can i...' his voice cracks into two warbly bird pitches and he starts to cry again. 'can i just be dave tonight? can i please just be dave? just tonight?'

'Yeah. Of course.'

dirk keeps up the soothing petting motions until dave calms down, stroking the still-intact patches of feathers. eventually dave tucks his head against his brother's shoulder and breathes out, in and out, in and out.

'That's better. Now, in the most affectionate way possible, what the actual fuck?'

he snorts out a broken laugh and accidentally gets snot all over dirk's shirt. 'i needed to ask you a favor.'

'A favor.'

'yeah. well, two favors actually.'

'Shoot.'

'can you tell me how everyone is doing? are they happy? are they safe?'

***

dirk carries the pair of them over to his bed and flops down. dave does not loosen his grip by even a fraction of an inch, tail still wrapped tightly around dirk's torso.

and dirk tells him, still soothing and soft, about everyone. rose has been writing and staying miraculously sober, taking the rad recovery train along with roxy. and jade and dave, the other dave, have a thing, and john and roxy too, and jane's been baking up a storm and jake's just ecstatic to be with all of his friends and family.

'and you?'

dirk stays silent for a few seconds.

'I'm coping.'

'that doesnt sound good.'

'I'm all right.'

dave hums low in the back of his throat, tries not to let his hurt show.

'they dont think about me, do they?'

dirk doesn't answer, which is answer enough.

'i understand. that's good. it's good. that's how i wanted things. no loose ends.'

'We'd be happy to have you here.'

'it hurts me too much.'

dirk squeezes him, kisses the top of his head.

'the, um, the second favor. i dont think. i dont think youre going to be happy about it.'

'What is it?'

he looks for a way to phrase it casually and stutters over his words anyway. 'i, um, i cant die. i didnt really mean to survive past the final battle but i didnt unpixellate like i was expecting. but. you could do it. you could rip my soul out.'

'No.'

'i came all this way.' he wills himself not to start crying again and does anyway. 'i need this. i need this. and the real dave is curled up just fine in the other room. there wont be a difference.'

'I don't know how my powers work on game constructs. You might cease to exist altogether.'

'im banking on that, actually.' he grips the fabric of dirk's shirt. 'im really tired of existing.'

'Dave.'

'i dont fit here. im a goddamn piece to an entirely different puzzle. all of you guys are all interlinked and shit, got the whole universe put together, and then theres me. last piece of a dead timeline. i dont fit.'

'Dave, please.'

'this is a good place for it to end, dirk. ive accepted that im not supposed to be happy here. but i can see john and jade and rose being sober and all of you and. i can see this world and. i know i did my part. and i know you guys are okay. and thats enough. thats enough for me. this is a good last moment, end of play, draw the curtain.'

'I can't kill you.'

'its not killing anything worthwhile really. more like tossing out a broken piece of equipment. im not exactly useful when youve got that shiny whole dave in the other room, haha.' he bites his trembling lower lip.

'I can't.'

'im not even the real dave, you asshole!'

'I know.' dirk starts to pet his wings again. 'But I don't fit, either.'

***

dirk leaves a note on the kitchen table and then the two of them steal away. he's taught himself to drive, and they make quite the pair, the anime shades teenage boy and the golden ghost.

they talk while he drives, mostly about the past and their hurts. dave has never really considered how much the two have in common. but they both worked only for their friends and the promise of futures that never came. they both lost loves and guardians, and they both understand the unfathomable aching of loneliness.

they're both trapped.

'I don't know what to do,' dirk says, staring straight ahead at the road. 'I've got people to live for. Can't exactly come up with a convenient double to take my place.'

'i dunno, im sure if you kicked the bucket jake could hope hard enough to bring a dream you back.'

dirk flinches. dave immediately regrets the words.

'i didnt mean to - im sorry. youre not disposable.'

'There's too much of me in one head,' he says with a rueful smile. 'God forbid we get any more running around.'

'at least you fit into this timeline.'

'Doesn't feel like it.' he pulls onto the highway. dave doesn't ask where they're going. he suspects dirk doesn't know. 'In keeping with your puzzle metaphor, it's more like I'm the piece of the puzzle that's gotten hella splintered and cracked because some bullshit toddler decided to smash it under its pudgy toddler foot, and so you try to glue it back together so you can make your goddamn puzzle work, but the piece just keeps breaking. And then the piece is like, well damn, stop smashing me into this puzzle or I'm gonna break the other pieces around me, and people are like, no, you need to work because otherwise the puzzle won't be complete! And the piece is like, holy shit, can't you just throw me away and get a new piece? And I'm not making any sense anymore.'

'so youd rather be me.'

'I don't envy you. It's just that pretending to be okay gets kind of exhausting.'

'yeah. thats why i left. i kind of miss being loved, though.' a pause. 'thats lame.'

'It's not.'

'it hurts really really bad that they dont miss me. i meant for it to be like that but it hurts really bad. i hurt.'

dirk reaches over and takes his hand, squeezing his fingers.

'Me too.'

***

dirk pulls into a small motel as dawn peeks over the horizon, books them a room. dave flits up to their floor and through the window.

'what are we doing here?'

dirk lays down on the bed, taking his shades off and rubbing his eyes. 'I don't know.'

'then why are we here?'

'I need some time away. And you need some time with someone who cares about you. I don't know. It's pure selfishness that keeps me from killing you, haha. Can't stand to get rid of the only guy who actually gets what I'm feeling.'

dave curls up next to him again.

'will we be okay?'

'I don't know.'

dirk rolls over and wraps his arms around dave's waist, nuzzling into his hair.

'But I love you.'

and for now, that's enough.


End file.
